Post 76.

Illness makes you dependent on care, help, attention. Dependency causes other people to think they can determine your every need, move, thought.
That results in a loss of privacy, autonomy, independence.
It is almost impossible to explain why you want something done this way (your own way), when someone else, who lends a hand, wants it that way. People who can help without trying to switch off your head are a rarity. People who can let you be who you are and what you are, that’s not common. It will be taken as a lack of gratitude, or cooperative spirit when you keep to your ideas or manners. When someone makes an effort (sometimes quite big) to assist you, it is understandable they choose to do it in the most efficient way, for them. Still, there are moments I wish I was a cabbage head while being able to think is my only fortune. Apart from the kids.
Privacy is something I said farewell to a long time ago. I don’t have any privacy. At all. Only in my head, I do. That makes it extremely difficult to let go of exactly that ability. To be able to think straight. Have my own ideas, preferences, convictions.
Practise, practise, practise.

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